Just Be There

For those of us living with a progressive disorder, knowing we are not alone is important mentally and emotionally. 

The dictionary defines "support" as: (1) to hold up or provide a foundation, (2) provide assistance, (3) the act of helping to bear the weight or strengthening. Nowhere does this word mean, ‘to fix.’ I was always a ‘fixer’. I tried to make things better, but often found I was not helping at all. I am learning that often you just need to “be there” for others in their time of need.

My father had a gift; one that I do not possess. He could "be there for you." My dad spent a good deal of his evenings and Sunday afternoons visiting shut-ins or people in the hospital. On several occasions, I went with him to help perform some needed chores around the person's house while he or she recovered. The one thing that amazed me was my father’s ability to "be there" without intruding. Many times, he would just sit there in the room without saying a word. At other times, he would be chattier than his usual self. 

I asked him one time how he could just sit in a room with a person for over an hour and not say anything. He responded, "You do not always have to talk to carry on a conversation." At the time I did not have a clue what that meant. 

He also told me that often a person, especially someone with a serious illness, does not want to talk about it. They just want to know that you are there and praying for them. He felt you never really knew what was going to happen when you visited someone. It was important that you not try to say the right words, try to help, or try to carry on a conversation. It is your job to be there for them in whatever role they need at the time. He surprised me when he added, “Sometimes that means you are the punching bag.”

Many a time I saw him sitting next to someone's bed and holding his or her hand. Other times, I saw him kneel next to the person's bed and pray. Often, I saw him crying afterwards. One time after we left a person's house that was dying of cancer, I asked why he does this if it tears him up so bad. He said, "Because they need to know they are not alone."

When I then asked him how he knows what to say, he commented, “I don’t know what to say until I sit with the person. I just have faith that the right words would be there when needed.”

He also mentioned something that hit home much later in my life. "Never say that you know what a person is going through, because you don't. Be there for them. Let them take the lead. And, be patient."

You are not alone

There are times when we all have felt alone.  Some of the reasons we can feel that way are:

• When we are harboring a secret … something we do not feel comfortable sharing even with loved ones. 
• Or, when we have lost someone or something important to us and believe no one can truly understand what that loss means.
• It also can happen when we do not feel like we fit in with a crowd or group of people. 
• And, it can happen when we are hoping for a call or for someone to reach out to you, but we refuse to take the first step and make the call our self.

No matter what the reason, feeling alone is often unbearable and is not healthy. 

Several times a year I hear from someone who recently was diagnosed with Kennedy’s Disease.  The person feels alone – isolated from family and friends.  They do not want to hurt their loved ones by showing they are vulnerable … that this worries them … and that they are afraid. 

They carry the burden of what is happening to their body like a “scarlet letter”.  They also try to protect their family and friends by holding back.  They feel they should be able to “suck it up” (handle it).



Yet, by locking themselves away from their loved ones, they do more damage than good.  Even worse, wife or the significant other, family (especially the children), and friends also feel isolated because they also have a need to ‘talk it out’ …

• They want to understand how you are doing. 
• They also need to share that they are there for you … willing to help in any way possible.
• And, they want you to know that they will always love you, no matter what happens.

Even if we believe the above, we still cannot always breach the subject.  We have always been there for others, but all of a sudden we are ‘one of the others’.  It was okay to be that shoulder to cry on or the listener when someone needed to talk.  But, for some reason we feel uncomfortable switching positions.  Why is that?

One of the most beautiful and reassuring moments is when you can finally open up and let it all out knowing that you are not being judged.  When you experience that moment, it is such a relief.  You finally feel that it is okay … they understand … they are there for me … and most importantly, you are not alone.

My only question for you is, “What are you waiting for?”  

P.S.  If you feel isolated or alone, let me know.  I will try to help.  I was there once; standing right beside you.