The dictionary defines "support" as: (1) to hold up or provide a foundation, (2) provide assistance, (3) the act of helping to bear the weight or strengthening. Nowhere does this word mean, ‘to fix.’ I was always a ‘fixer’. I tried to make things better, but often found I was not helping at all. I am learning that often you just need to “be there” for others in their time of need.
My father had a gift; one that I do not possess. He could "be there for you." My dad spent a good deal of his evenings and Sunday afternoons visiting shut-ins or people in the hospital. On several occasions, I went with him to help perform some needed chores around the person's house while he or she recovered. The one thing that amazed me was my father’s ability to "be there" without intruding. Many times, he would just sit there in the room without saying a word. At other times, he would be chattier than his usual self.
I asked him one time how he could just sit in a room with a person for over an hour and not say anything. He responded, "You do not always have to talk to carry on a conversation." At the time I did not have a clue what that meant.
He also told me that often a person, especially someone with a serious illness, does not want to talk about it. They just want to know that you are there and praying for them. He felt you never really knew what was going to happen when you visited someone. It was important that you not try to say the right words, try to help, or try to carry on a conversation. It is your job to be there for them in whatever role they need at the time. He surprised me when he added, “Sometimes that means you are the punching bag.” Many a time I saw him sitting next to someone's bed and holding his or her hand. Other times, I saw him kneel next to the person's bed and pray. Often, I saw him crying afterwards. One time after we left a person's house that was dying of cancer, I asked why he does this if it tears him up so bad. He said, "Because they need to know they are not alone."
When I then asked him how he knows what to say, he commented, “I don’t know what to say until I sit with the person. I just have faith that the right words would be there when needed.”
He also mentioned something that hit home much later in my life. "Never say that you know what a person is going through, because you don't. Be there for them. Let them take the lead. And, be patient."
Great article. Just being there is so important, and no need to try and talk the whole time. My husband had Kennedy's and found it difficult to get out in the later stages. But those visitors who just dropped in and spent a little time with him brought a certain light and energy to the day that somehow lightened the load of his chronic illness.
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