Thursday, August 25, 2016

I have trust issues

Definition of Trust - firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

I grew up trusting that my muscles would be there whenever I needed them. I never thought about walking, running, standing up, picking things up, opening jars or cans, eating and drinking, or playing sports. It was natural and easy — a God-given ability.

When I first stumbled and later when I first fell, I would laugh it off thinking that I was just getting old. I never once considered these events to be associated with anything neurological. Even when stumbling or falling happened a little more often, I still dismissed any thoughts that something strange was happening to my body. I did what any person would do. I exercised harder. And, the cramping was just a byproduct of my more intense workouts.

Today, I survive because I have a lack of faith in my ability to walk, stand up, etc. I cannot trust that my muscles will respond the way they should to keep me upright and free from harm. I don’t like living like this, but I know it is better to be safe than sorry. Even with this skepticism, I still occasionally find myself in trouble. A knee might buckle, my grip might fail, or my throat might close off.

What trust I had in my strength, was extinguished long ago. Now, every day is a good one when I do not have a scare. Even though I can no longer place my trust in my muscles’ abilities, I still trust that I can be a resource, an ear to listen, and a voice when called upon. It is my calling. It is what gives my life meaning.

Keep the faith!

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