Trust

The dictionary defines 'trust':

• Noun – Certainty based on past experience, complete confidence in someone or something
  
• Verb – Having confidence or faith, being confident about something, to allow without fear
  
  

Once you have been betrayed trust is not so easily given again. If you have been burnt four, five, six times or more, it is almost impossible to ever trust again. Nevertheless, that is what I am trying to do. And, so far, everything is just fine. Will I be betrayed again? Probably. Yet, every day that goes by without an incident or betrayal sure feels good.

For a person that has fallen close to fifty times in ten years, it is not easy to trust that my legs will hold me up. The hardest part of trusting those muscles again was overcoming the fear that the next fall could mean another serious injury. That fear still lingers in the back of my mind, but every day I am on my feet provides a little more confidence.

The last time I fell, I broke my tibia and fibula. The fall occurred two weeks after I just had my last cast removed (for a broken fibula and anklebone). I had just begun walking again when the quads gave out and I went down. The recovery this time (90 days without being able to put any weight on the leg) was very difficult for me and even more difficult for my wife. Ever since that fall, I have been extremely cautious to the point of not taking more than a few steps without some mobility aid.

But, trust is what my physical therapist wanted me to do last November when he asked me to walk around the house again with a walker and then with a cane. I remember that first day very well because I was nervous. I just did not have any confidence in my leg strength and the fear of another long rehab lingered with every step I took.

Ten months later, I am more confident in my leg strength than I have been in years. The exercise program the physical therapist provided, and I practice daily, is a success. Remarkably, I feel stronger today than two years ago. Daily, however, I still need to remind myself to trust that my quads will not let me down.

Confidence is one thing. Over-confidence, however, is dangerous for those of us with Kennedy's Disease. Perhaps "cautiously optimistic" would be a better way to say how I feel today. And, every day that passes without an incident, "sure feels good."