Moving Beyond Misunderstandings

Frustrations are common for those of us living with Kennedy’s Disease. Our male egos are a constant burr under the saddle. These can lead to communication problems, especially with those you love.

Back in 1992, the book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, was hot commodity. Everyone was reading it. The author, John Gray, was on all the talk shows explaining what the book is about. Wikipedia summarizes the book in this way:

“The book states that most common relationship problems between men and women are a result of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes, which the author exemplifies by means of its eponymous metaphor: that men and women are from distinct planets—men from Mars and women from Venus—and that each sex is acclimated to its own planet's society and customs, but not to those of the other. One example is men's complaint that if they offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation, the women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, but mainly want to talk about them. The book asserts each sex can be understood in terms of distinct ways they respond to stress and stressful situations.”

After many years of marriage, I firmly believe Mars and Venus are in asynchronous orbits. I say ‘apple’, my wife hears ‘orange’. I agree and my wife hears disagree. My wife explains the problem, I provide the solution, and we end up mad at each other. I ask why and she asks why I was not listening. Fortunately, it isn’t that bad, but when it happens, bruised egos create tense moments.

Fortunately, I am blessed with a wonderful loving person to share my life. One who will usually put up with all my crap. 😊

I wrote the following several years ago. Writing them down and following them do not always go hand-in-hand, however. This is a refresher course for me.

1. You have the right to respond but not the obligation.

You always have the right to express your opinion and discuss an issue further. But, only if it serves a purpose and helps you move forward. You also have the right not to engage and not respond.

2. Realize that others’ views of your opinions do not diminish your worth.
You are who you are and you are entitled to your thoughts and views. Your opinions are the position you hold at this moment, which may change over time.

3. It is okay to be misunderstood.

The newspapers and tabloids thrive on misquoting and manipulating words. In our daily interactions, others will take what they want to take from the conversations. You cannot do anything about it. And, if they do not like what you have to say, so be it.

4. Feel the emotions without rationalization.

As much as we would like to think that we humans are a rational species, we are not. We are highly emotional, and emotions drive a lot of what we say or do. You can waste all the time trying to figure out why someone misconstrued what you said. In all likelihood, what you expressed triggered a defensive response in them. It has nothing to do with you. So focus on how you feel.

Key Point: The more important the person is to you, the higher the emotional charge.

You may feel angry, upset, fearful, disappointed, hurt, betrayed or any other emotion. Write about your feelings, or meditate on them, or just sit quietly and allow them to go through you. Take your time—there is no shortcut for releasing your emotions. One thing I found helpful is to acknowledge my feelings at that moment are ‘emotional’. Placing a tag on them helps release the anger or frustration.

5. Write an imaginary response.

If you feel you need to express more of your thoughts and feelings write them in a letter. What would you say to the person who you feel wronged you? Write what you would want to tell them and how the interaction made you feel. An amazing release comes from putting thoughts and words to paper.

6. Sleep on it.

If you decide you want to respond and you want to discuss the issue further, wait a little while. Think about what you want to say, and if it is important, maybe even draft a response. Give yourself a day or two. In all likelihood, you will dismiss the issue and move on.

7. Let it go.

Often, the best course of action is to let it go. Do not hold a grudge or keep bringing it up. You do not want to add fuel to a fire in your heart. If the other person was not happy with your decision, you cannot change that. And, you cannot satisfy someone who is adamant about having an argument. Do yourself a big favor and do not engage in further discussion.

Sometimes the best opinions are the ones that remain unexpressed. Instead of trying to explain and validate your opinions, move on and do something that is more meaningful.

Key Point: If a love one is involved, always-always-always let them know you love them.
Letting go is freedom. You cannot force anyone to see your point of view. However, you have the power to drop the issue and move on.

After all, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

BUT, if you really want a healthy relationship, follow this advice: 

"If you really – I mean really! – want a peaceful, loving, joyful and happy relationship as a couple, if you want to learn how to stop arguing for good, then the first step is to admit this desire loud and clear to yourself and to your significant other.

That’s the easy step. The next step is the game changer and the cure to ending arguments: You have got to KILL OFF YOUR EGO.

That’s it. That’s the big cure that works every single time. You cannot take your giant ego into a peaceful loving relationship. It Simply Doesn’t Work."

Quote: https://www.brainyquote.com

Who’s really in charge?

March’s CostCo Connection magazine had a nice article written by Wally Amos. For those of you who don’t know who Mr. Amos it, he is best known for his Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies.

The article, “Spring-clean your spirit,” reflects on his decision to give up trying to control his life. He writes about how he experienced many anxious moments that caused unrest and other challenges. When he began to analyze these experiences, he discovered that his attempt to control his life, and everything entering it, was causing him disruptions and failures in both his personal and business.

“Being in charge was so ingrained in my consciousness that I needed something more.” A message he remembered reading said, “For peace of mind, let go of being the general manager of the universe.” So, he decided to take a step back, get out of the way and remove himself from the picture. What he found was that there was constant love flowing into his life. He didn’t have to work for it or even search for it, because it was already there.

By changing his perspective of wanting (needing) to be in control, to one of accepting the love that already exists, he found a path of far less resistance.

He ends the article with the following question. “What beliefs are hidden deep within you that need changing? Identify them and clean them out. I promise you, life will become so much more productive, peaceful, fun and enjoyable. …Everything will be resolved when you put love first.”

Those of us living with a constant health issue, for example a progressive neuromuscular condition, often cling to past notions and beliefs. We want our health back. We want to be ‘normal’ again. We can’t understand why this happened. Why isn’t there a cure? Why me?

It is easy to become fixated on what was rather than what is. Acceptance is letting go of past beliefs. It doesn’t mean giving up. We are just giving up trying to control what we have no control over in our life. We will try to see the love and the good in our life without adding “but” or “if” or “should” or “shouldn’t.” We accept what is. We enjoy the rose’s beauty knowing that it also has thorns. And, with this acceptance comes peace and contentment.

I am not naïve enough to believe this change happens overnight. It takes work. There will be many failed attempts, but there will be some wins also. The thorns will still prick me, but I will not let them distract from the rose’s beauty. And that beauty is called “my life.”

Rose Photo:  2010_10300084 rs.jpgBy alive

Thorns Photo:  DSC_0132.JPG By kfjmiller

Letting Go

Guilt – a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc. Whether real or imagined. (Dictionary.com)

So often those of us living with a progressive disorder like Kennedy’s Disease experience some form of guilt. It can often be held internally (festering) or expressed in some way such as depression, remorse, frustration, etc. These feelings are often caused by:
 

• Concern for the family’s future financial security should you not be able to work.
• Fear that you passed the defective gene on to your daughter or possibly your daughter’s children.
• Frustration because you might not be able to perform the needed household or yard chores and repairs. And, these responsibilities will fall upon your spouse and children.
• Guilt for all the stress and concern you have and will cause your family.

At some point you need to address these feelings and hopefully come to terms with the fact that:

• Since the disorder is genetic, you did not cause or could have prevented the defective gene from changing your DNA.
• Since there is no treatment or cure, you could have not done anything to change your current condition.
• When you married or had children you did not know you had the defective gene.
• You have no idea how quickly the disease will progress and how it will progress.

And, once you believe that you had no control, nor do you have any control over this defect in your DNA, it is easier to let the negative feelings go.